Over the last five years I have visited numerous transgendered support groups in several states across the country and those visits have helped me to formulate some universal rules of personal conduct that I feel should be followed while at such functions.  Almost all of my listed rules are obvious common sense and common courtesy, but I still frequently witness insensitive or just plain rude behaviors at support group meetings.   Often I am amazed at how certain people who claim they are in touch with their feminine side will come to a support group meeting expecting others to cater to them.  Most people do mean well though and I am sure all of us, myself included, have at times made thoughtless errors without intending to make them.  The following is a list of rules of conduct that you should consider when attending any support group function.  My suggestions are not the end all be all of etiquette, so please feel free to add your own rules to my list.

· When the meeting you are attending requires an admission fee be sure to pay it.  The person collecting the money at the door should not be responsible for tracking you down.  If you are unsure whether or not you have to pay, just ask any of the groups officers.

· If the group serves beverages and snacks why not contribute an item?  Small support groups run on a tight budget and food is an ongoing expense that can be easily offset by the members.  If each person would just bring a $2.00 item I am sure it could help the group out greatly.  Another benefit to you in bringing a food item is that you can always be sure to have your favorite drink or snack available at the meeting.

· Even if you end up not finding that nights meeting topic or speaker of particular interest, still be respectful and don’t chat with friends, make calls on your cell phone or be disruptive.  You would think that I shouldn’t even feel a need to mention this, but rudeness seems to be prevalent in today’s society even in support environments.

· When you see a new person sitting off by themselves try and strike up a conversation with them.  Remember what it was like being the new person?  Remember how scary it all your first time?  A few kind words go a long way when someone is nervous.  I can still remember each person that took the time to talk to me my first time out at a support group.  Several became good friends.

· Volunteer to help out.  Every support group I have ever been to is understaffed and in need of volunteers.  If you can’t invest the amount of time needed to become an officer of the group, at least consider doing one of the smaller but important tasks such as arriving early to help set up or collecting the money at the door for that evening.  Believe me, there are plenty of small jobs to choose from that will take a minimum of your time yet still be extremely appreciated.

· Never make assumptions about someone’s gender or sexual orientation.  Let’s face it, we are just about as diverse a group of people that you can have the pleasure of meeting.  I have seen some colossal of blunders when people make these sort of assumptions at support group meetings.  Also worth mentioning is that no matter what your personal situation or sexual orientation is, you should always be respectful of others lifestyles.

· Please be considerate and clean up after yourself.  Don’t leave your cups or plates lying around the room for someone else to pick up.  Also keep the bathroom/dressing room clean and free of makeup spills and such.

· Resist the urge to tell a female S.O. that her clothes, hair or anything else about her appearance looks “butch”.  Also, don’t tell females how you think real ladies are suppose to act.  After one support group’s meeting a bunch of us went out locally for drinks.  While at the bar a crossdresser loudly informed my girlfriend Mary after she had ordered a beer that real ladies drink wine, not beer.  You can imagine how jerky that sounded and the people near by just rolled their eyes or shook their heads.

· I will always contend that there is no more “catty” a bunch then a group of transgendered folk.  Many feel the need to put down how others present themselves or publicly make negative comments about someone’s choice of clothes or makeup.  This is not only rude; it’s hurtful, especially to newer girls since they often have very fragile egos.  This is true even if the person asks you directly how they look.  You don’t have to totally lie, but properly phasing a little helpful advice would be a better approach.  For example: “You look fine, but you know what might even work better for you?”

· All of the people running the local support groups are donating their time and talents so please be polite when you voice any criticism.  Constructive criticism can be helpful and appreciated, but just spouting off is not helping anyone.  If you really think you can do it better, then why not run for office yourself?  In my experience, the most vocal critics are inevitably the people who do the least work.

See what did I tell you, all simple common courtesy tips.  Now, if we can only convince everyone that attends support group meetings to follow them.  If we can, I am betting all support group meetings will become a much nicer and more civilized environment for everyone.
 

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